People who know me might wonder about my change in life's philosophy and world views. Some might wonder why and when have I become this godly. I wish to take this opportunity to share with my friends the reasons...
Firstly, I don't consider myself godly or holy. What is the definition of godly or holy? What is ungodly or unholy? If holy means thinking about spiritual matters such as heaven, hell, and supreme being, and yearning for higher truths (not simply man-made) and fearing the wraths of my God and paying the price for my sins, then my answer is a confident Yes. If it's about pure display of religiosity and piousness, and proving to others that I'm good and righteous and a sin-hater, then it's No. On the contrary, I am far from being sinless. I struggle with many bad and secret habits. I have common issues faced by most men. I used to be the chief of sinners. The only difference between then and now? I am more conscious of my sins, of my wrongs, and I'm consciously seeking to rid it with God's help. And yes, I hate my fleshly desires and often cry out to God for forgiveness and divine help and wisdom to change me for the better. Does that mean I'm improving by the day? I believe so, by the grace of God. Does that mean I'm already good or perfect, or am I in any position to judge others? No!
My ex-pastor used to say, "God specialises in turning your 'Dis-appointments' to 'His-appointments'". How true that is! God has used my lowest low for His highest high, my sorrow to His joy, my fear to His confidence, my weaknesses to His strengths, my failures to His success, my disobedience to His obedience. Allow me to elaborate.
I could have died from a nasty head-on fall from a cliff 2 years ago. I was "lucky" to have escaped with multiple fractures to my wrist. You see...my legs got caught in some low bushes, I tripped at the edge of a 2 stories high cliff, and I fell head first. The only thing that saved my life? The soft soil. The only thing that could kill me? The concrete slabs that were barely 5cm away from the soil.
You see, when you are that close to death, you can't help but thank God. And you know it must be God.
Still, I was that prodigal son who chose to continue his prodigal ways. I continued to get involved in several wrong and sinful relationships. Oh, please don't give me that kind of look, as if you've never done a wrong before, be it relationship or otherwise. Some people just have more wrongs than others, or took a longer time to realise or learn from their mistakes. I was both.
Then in 2010 April, I was hit with the dreadful D word - Depression. It's not an understatement that depression is scary. It's tormenting! I can only use the analogy that several dark clouds came over my life during that period. You never know when the dark clouds will leave, and you toy with the thoughts that perhaps the only way out is to end your life. Hey, I'm trained in Psychology and Counselling, so I know what I'm talking now, and what I was experiencing then. In fact, I'm more qualified to talk about depression than those psychologists or counsellors who only know about it in theory. Still I had no control over depression. The tears just flowed uncontrollably, and the dark clouds loomed as and when they fancied.
I wanted to end my life. I had the lowest self-esteem then. I questioned my purpose of living, my very existence. I was fearful of stepping out of my house and meeting people. I dragged myself to work, and my bed was my best friend. It was then that I remembered God. If I commit suicide, I might go to hell. So that's not really what I want. But if I seek God, perhaps He can help me out of those dark clouds, and as a by-product, I may get to go to heaven too! Not too bad a deal huh?
Instead of crying to thin air, I cried to God. Instead of burying my face within the pillow, I buried it within the book of Psalms. It was during that period that I get to understand King David's heart. King David was depressed too! He cried to God for help, and God comforted him. I wanted that! So I began to emulate David's behaviours and prayers. Whenever I was outside, and I felt fear creeping in, I would go to a toilet cubical, squat down and pray to God. And if I was at work, I would lock myself up in a counselling room, and kneel and cry to God, amidst tears. Was I holy? Whatever, I was just doing what I knew best then. I fasted every week, I read the bible everyday, I prayed and praised Him daily, I told people about God's goodness wherever I went. Was I too holy and radical? Whatever it was, I found God and His peace. That's what matter most.
Then came end August, and a nice Christian girl came into my life. I thought she was God-sent. I thanked God. But soon we lived our lives as if we know no God. Yes, we believe in God and rightfully confessed so, and we faithfully attended church every weekend, but our actions showed otherwise. God's way is higher than our ways. This relationship was not glorifying to God. God took it away.
As a result, I was forced to come back to God again. Did I once blame God for all my failures? No! I blamed myself and my disobedience from His truths! I truly thank God for using my sins and failures to draw me back to Him again, and closer! I see how good and gracious God is. I see the magnitude of His love. I see His forgiving nature. I finally understood the parable of The Prodigal Son.
Seriously, isn't there anything in life that I want to live for, other than God? Plenty! I am just like you. I want a good life! I want a nice house, a car, a loving and complete family of my own, sufficient savings and retirement funds, yearly holidays, etc. Nothing wrong with these wants. These used to be my top priorities. However, I can touch my heart and sincerely tell you now, that I yearn for God and to please Him more than any material wealth and possessions. Again, am I still keen in becoming a millionaire? Yes!!! But way above that, I yearn to see God. Is that super holy or super spiritual?
I asked God a month ago "Jesus, you boldly claimed that You are the Way, the Truth and the Light, then what about other religions? Are they NOT the way, NOT the truth, NOT light? God then installed within me the desire to read up on the 3 other main religions in Singapore. I did, and my faith in God was further strengthened. Not one of the founders of the other 3 major religions claimed that they are gods, and even their followers admitted that they had died and were no longer alive. Only their teachings remained. One religion even states that their gods are simply enlightened beings, or were once highly-respected earthly beings. You see, when you're faced with depression or cancer or just about any crisis, wise teachings and meditations can only help thus much. But my God is the creator of the universe and is still alive! In fact, He Himself said that He is always with me and for me! How comforting can that thought be in the midst of my problems or crisis?
Maybe you feel that you are strong and successful and capable and don't need God now, or that you're in total control of your life, or that you're very happy and satisfied with your present life and state. Those are good beliefs, but how about asking God to be a partner in those beliefs too? What's more, it's free (accessories not included)!
There are still many reasons why my beliefs in Jesus are strengthened. I will share more in future when time permits.
